The pastor of a church was sick one Sunday morning, so a preacher was called for replacement. As the substitute preacher was greeting the congregation he made the statement, "You know, a substitute preacher is like a piece of cardboard in a broken window. He fills the space, but after all, he's not the real glass." He then proceeded with his sermon. After the service, a lady approached him trying to pay him a compliment by saying, "You weren't a replacement after all. You were a real pane.
A Sunday school
teacher was discussing Noah and the
"What do you think Noah and his family did while they were on the ark?"
"They spent all day feeding the animals", one girl replied.
"What do you think they did for food?", said the teacher. "Do you think they fished from the deck for their supper?"
"No", replied a boy on the front row. "They could have only caught two fish the whole time."
Puzzled, the teacher asked "Why is that?"
"Because they only had two worms!", the boy replied.
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who had just thrown away an old worn-out family Bible. He happened to mention
that Guten something-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the book collector.
"Yep, that was the name!"
"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for $400,000!"
"Mine wouldn't have been worth a dime," retorted the man. "Some clown named Martin Luther had scribbled all over it."
While driving to church the other day I saw Pastor Paul standing unoccupied in the middle of a field. The site seemed very curious, so I pulled over the car to find out what he was doing. "Hello Pastor Paul," I said, "are you ok?"
"Yes, very well" he replied.
So I asked him, "why are you standing in the middle of this field? I thought you would be making your way to church."
His reply was, "I am trying to win a Nobel Prize"
Being puzzled I said, "Excuse my ignorance Paul, but I don't see how standing here in the middle of this field is going to help you to win a Nobel Prize?"
He replied, "Well, didn't you know that people who win Nobel Prizes are always those who are out standing in their field?"
While hiking deep in the woods, a man suddenly notices that he is being followed by a large grizzly bear. He starts to run away but the bear begins to chase him. Realizing the bear is quickly closing in, the man offers up an emergency prayer: "Oh God, I know you have influenced animals in the Bible like Balaam's donkey, if there is any way that this bear can become more like a Christian, I would really appreciate it."
As the final "amen" is said, the bear pounces on the man and pins him to the ground. But suddenly, the expression on the bear's face changes from that of anger to contentment, and the bear looks heavenward and places his paws reverently together, and starts to speak audibly just like Balaam's donkey, saying, "For this food we are about to receive, we give thanks.
To the world, you may just be somebody...but to somebody, you may be the world.