Points To Ponder
1. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets
mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
2. Have you ever noticed? Anybody who is going slower than you is an
idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
3. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
4. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
5. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not
be caught dead in otherwise.
6. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
7. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a
bank robbery has just taken place.
8. I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way that the
Republicans were running things. Which is turning out to be like
shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
9. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three.
10. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
11. I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That
may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
12. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans
is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three
best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
13. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you
should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
14. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always
say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my
mother-in-law is fairly attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
However, I like the thought.
15. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied
in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
have to kill you too."
16. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
17. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize, "Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow
To the world, you may just be somebody...but to somebody, you may be the world.