Heavenly Voice Mail
Most of us have adapted to "voice mail" as a necessary part of our
daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God
decided to install voice mail?
Imagine lifting a prayer and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling Heaven.
For English, press 1.
For Spanish, press 2.
For all other languages, press 0.
Please listen carefully to the following options. Select one based on
your present need:
Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.
I am sorry, we are unable to take you call at this time; all of our
angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However,
your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order it
Please stay on the line and wait for the next Assistant. If you would
like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are
holding, press 4.
To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then
enter his or her social security number, followed by the "pound" sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code
For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth,
life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you
arrive in Heaven.
Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up
and try again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious
holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please
contact your local pastor.
Thank you, and have a heavenly day!